time, tennis, and religion

now I'm pretty content.
Then again, I'm always much happier the later it gets.
Yet the longer I stay up. . . the suckier it is in the morning.
So when is the happiness spectrum more vital?
The crazy Coldplay-obsessed, dystopia-reading, pretzel-eating, rather delirious 10 pm- midnight shift?
Or the tolerable, maybe-I-would-regret-breaking-my-own-arm 6:30 - like 12:00 pm shift?
Hm.
The world may never know.
But actually I guess I am making my answer quite clear by typing this right now.

I've decided not to erase anything I write in this entry. It might be a valuable think-before-you-type exercise.

Well.
I went running today. 2 miles, nice and slow. It was great - finished up at the time of day where you start to actually admit that it's nighttime.
I'm not sure if I'm playing tennis next year. I don't think that I make a good tennis player, mentally. I don't have the right thought process. And, I just realized this today, I don't actually like tennis matches the majority of the time. Which is weird. I played soccer for 13 years and enjoyed every game I ever played. Probably not a good sign, tennis-wise.
But I love the people. So we'll see.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
Just kidding.
Wow that was funny.
I swear I'm not erasing that.

I feel like I've taken a ginormous step forward, spiritually-wise. The only thing is. . . it's not 100% the direction I've always grown up heading.
However. I feel that it's. . . right. And I didn't feel like the other things were entirely correct. This, on the other hand, I have faith in.
I'm not so sure about organized religion at the moment. I'm kinda off by myself right now, but I feel more connected than I ever have before.

Close your eyes if you don't like talk about religion. . . or if you are a stalwart believer in the severely traditional.
Annnd this is what I believe, so even though I present it as fact I allow that it's completely refutable.

Religion is not a destination, and it's not a dead-end stop where people gather to listen and mindlessly believe whatever they are told. It's an individual journey, a journey to understand the truth of divinity.
Faith is not necessarily the blind belief in an absolute; it's the courage to persist with the belief in something, anything else.
Faith is the stalwart desire to serve whatever good exists in the world.

Grace is found in each individual's search for spirituality and for transcendence.
I've never understood how people can believe 100% in their own religion and just flat out deny the existence of other people's gods.
But. This is weird to say, given the way I've been brought up, but I honestly believe that they all exist now.
Every religion is true for its followers.

No other way makes sense.

If it seems like I'm always mad when I blog. . .

it's because I always am.

damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit.

basically.

filler

I just wrote a whole entire entry whining about how much I wish I was somewhere else. . . and then deleted all like 300 words with a fiery click of frustration.
Ugh, shut up Larisa.

Hey know what sucks?

When someone you've admired since the moment you met them gives you reason to pretend you've never seen them before in your life.
Oh hey great.
Cool.

I'm ready to be out of California, and for purely superficial reasons.
I seriously wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares where there's no green left on the whole globe.

Oh gosh I would give any material item to go back.

Closet Pessimist

How do I know that what I want isn't purely what society tells me I should want?

How do I know that the reason I'm not completely and undeniably happy, the reason in fact that people never are 100% happy, is because I've been attempting to fulfill the desires of society rather than my own individual wants and needs?

What if my whole life I've been fooling myself into thinking that I wanted this, or I wanted that, and my body, my pure personality and individuality, is inside slowly withering due to lack of recognition?

What if society has clouded my individuality permanently?
Worse than that, what if it's claimed it? Destroyed it? Forced it into submission, melted and molded it into an iron cast of conformity?

What if I've lost whatever tiny bit of humanity it was that made me different from the person next door?

What if everyone is born with a limited amount of qualities that are 100% unique, and what if they're like muscles: don't work them, they disappear?

What if society murders us all in that way?


Honestly, sometimes I think thought is more about the questions than the answers.